I'm a nobody.
Yet even I get way too many cold emails every day. And 9.9 out of 10 suck.
Since I love getting spammed by strangers as much as the next person, here's how to guarantee cold email success:
• Make it all about you
• Pretend you're a G
• Have no specific ask
• The longer the email, the better
• Only ever send generic emails
• Lots of silly banter and beating around the bush
• Aim to intimidate or even threaten other person
Remember the rule of thumb: people are evil and dislike you.
You must harass them aggressively and drown them in walls of text.
If you do this, you win.
*Cue Borat voice* ...NOT.